How to be Unsuccessful pt.2

…doing nothing and feeling good about it.

 

Here, I write part two of the ‘How to be Unsuccessful’ blog series. Right now. Your eyes are seeing this in the future, when it’s finished.

Last week I wrote- somewhat on a whim- a blog about my great success in unsuccess and, for reasons beyond my comprehension, promised more of this sort of thing. It would be more sensible of me to say ‘down with this sort of thing’ and sack it off completely; I know how deeply and irrevocably apathetic I am. Nevertheless, here it is fuckers, ‘how to do nothing and feel good about it’ xoxoxoxo

The Start of this Article

We have arrived at the beginning of the second instalment of… whatever this is. Notice how I haven’t planned a jot of this piece; can’t you tell? I seriously haven’t written anything in preparation. For the truly unsuccessful, plans are daunting. Plans (even thinking the word is making me feel nauseous) are for people who care about the future. Can you plan the present? No, not unless you planned it already, in the past. The present is as it is. Live by this mantra, and the road to unsuccess shall be smooth and not very long.

Time

Time is the enemy. Now, I don’t mean to make a habit of quoting the bible in these posts, but here I am again, quoting it!

‘Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise,

making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.’

 

Ephesians 5:16

There you have it, even God thinks shit’s evil. Forget that part about ‘making the most etc etc’; 2000 years ago, making the most of every day meant, like, having a dump somewhere sanitary, or taking rags to the market to exchange for a loaf of bread. Life is more complicated in 2017, and I think the author of this ‘bible’ book would understand that we are now rendered incapable of ‘making the most of every opportunity’, either because a) there are way too many opportunities, or b) there are literally no opportunities. Take the dating app, Tinder, for example: if you made the most of every opportunity on there, you’d shag your way through half the town (not that I would know). But if you made the most of, say, a couple of opportunities, you’d retain some dignity and hopefully be clear on the ‘VD’ front. Opportunities are like flies: they probably congregate around a steaming pile of hot shit.

In a simpler time, you’d be forced to work for a pittance, perhaps marry and reproduce and drink the hours away and claim a plot of land, before working some more, until you were on death’s doorstep. And that was that! Easy! Nowadays, there is just too much choice: work, don’t work, kill yourself, smoke pot, work from home, DSS, steal, get your tits out… It’s all too much! Why settle for less, when you can settle for unsuccess?

Obligatory Heading

Middle-class and struggling to comprehend ‘unsuccess’? The good news is ‘The Guardian’ did an article a couple of years back about how doing nothing is actually good for you… It must be true!

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jan/09/five-reasons-we-should-all-learn-to-do-nothing

The bad news is… well, there isn’t any bad news! Just don’t read too much into it. Or of it. Actually, don’t read it- I didn’t. Do nothing. Live out your days watching Homes Under the Hammer, Four in a Bed, Judge Rinder and The Chase; you’ll learn a lot, but more importantly, you’ll do nothing. Feel like cooking? Great, cook up some fine grub! Need a nap? Sweet! Take a well-deserved nap. Want to get disgustingly trashed and wake up in a skip? Why not! Your immediate surroundings are your oyster when you just. do. nothing.

Letting go of Responsibility

Responsibilities are basically obligations. As Elvis Presley once said, ‘There are too many people that depend on me. I’m too obligated. I’m in too far to get out.’ That is some deep shit. Such ‘obligations’ led this man to die on the toilet. If The King saying bleak-as-fuck shit like that isn’t enough to put you off having responsibilities forever, then I’ve got my work cut out.

The main thing to remember is to never, ever, have children. Spawning children is a sure-fire way to land yourself in a rather large pile of responsibility. You are obligated by law to take care of them. The best way to ensure that you are unfruitful is to not have sex. However, if we live our lives doing nothing, thriving in unsuccess and obeying the whims of the moment, we might find ourselves faced with a sexual opportunity. My advice in such a situation would be to go ahead with the activity, but put a cap on the old chap if you want to do anything which invites the risk of making a baby.

Careers are also a big no-no. Careers work via intricate bribery, and are inherently evil. You found your dream job- yippee!- where you get paid to do something that you kind of enjoy- alright!- and all you had to do was sign a contract! Ea-sy! In that contract, however, you will not find details of how the company’s management will pressure you to work many unpaid hours because ‘that’s how you get noticed’ and progress. Neither will it alert you that Barry in the HR department is a prolific sex-pest. You’ll never read of how Hilary will noisily sip her seemingly endless cups of coffee at the desk next to yours; the hours will turn into days, the days into years and the years into a life of regret, wincing at every sip and gipping as the coffee-soaked breath full of disdain saunters into your nostrils. You will probably own a house, and consider yourself at least more successful than the pleb next door, who FYI doesn’t even have a conservatory with heated floors… But was it worth it? At all times, you must ask yourself, ‘What would I rather be doing?’. If the answer is anything other than what you are currently doing, drop it and start doing something more enjoyable. I can guarantee almost 100% that you won’t be able to make a career out of the more enjoyable thing, but who cares?

And that, ladies and gentlemen, concludes this week’s ‘How to be Unsuccessful’.

Stay limp, peeps!

 

 

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How to be unsuccessful

…your weekly guide to being a slacker.

So, I’m unemployed, depressed and stagnating in my own b/o and it got me thinking, ‘what do I want to do? What does ‘successful’ mean?! Why am I such a loser?’. I’m sure you know how it feels. But do you know how it feels to be ‘successful’? What if they’re just as unhappy and unfulfilled? What if they’re more unhappy?! Did you ever think about that? No, because you only think about yourselves. Fortunately for these hopelessly successful types, I’m a great empathiser, and as such have created a guide in order that these non-flounderers can escape their lives of achievement and attainment. Hold on to your arses, because this is about to get enlightening…

What is ‘unsuccess’?

Good question. ‘Unsuccess’ is a feeling of complete freedom: it is being on the weather-vane of life when everybody else is stuck in the basement, trying to get out into the cold, stony air of the church.

You see, to be successful, people set themselves ‘goals’, some long-term and some short-term. They aspire to be something. Or they’re lucky, lucky bastards who attract good fortune. Or they clamber over the backs of others without so much as a second glance at the trail of dismembered, flaming lives they’ve left behind. Whatever means a person uses to become ‘successful’, the embargo normally consists of:

  • Completing tasks that feel too much like hard work
  • Doing stuff, a lot
  • Talking to people you don’t want to talk to
  • Conversing with people who, quite frankly, make you want to eat your own hand (or hands, depending on how unbearably nauseating they are)
  • Not sleeping as much as you’d like
  • Wanting to get to a ‘spiritual place’ where you ‘couldn’t give a rat’s bollock’ about what other people think of you whilst simultaneously caring an obscene amount about what people think about you
  • Hating yourself

Needless to say, it is awfully stressful. The pursuit of monetary wealth is most commonly to blame for such pointless escapades, and we will first deal with how not to be wealthy in our quest for unsuccess. Further instalments of this guide will be delivered as follows:

Week 1. Money: who needs it? (This is week one. You’re reading it already)

Week 2. How to do nothing and feel good about it PLUS letting go of responsibility

Week 3. Ways and means of procrastination: how to get the least out of your time

Week 4. Dealing with criticism from family, friends and society

Week 5. I am unable to plan this far ahead

Let us deal with the concept of ‘money’. What is money? ‘The love of money,’ according to the Bible ‘is the root of all kinds of evil’ (1 Timothy 6:10). Money is currency, normally in the form of coins or paper notes or numbers on a screen. Hundreds of years ago, people didn’t need money really. They grew and farmed their own food, and exchanged it for other types of food from people who farmed different food to them. People had sex and babies appeared and they guessed that the babies wanted food and to not be too cold because that’s what they wanted. There weren’t any mirrors, except maybe lakes and ponds, so they weren’t arsed about shaving or putting make-up on or whether their trainers were laughably tragic… they just got on with it, in much the way that I try to.

Then, the Lydians, of Lydia, which was situated in Ancient Turkey on the Aegean Sea, decided to mint coins. What happened, right, was people kept bartering and exchanging stuff, for example a slab of bread for a fish, that sort of thing. But things kept going off, and there weren’t any use-by dates back then, so it was kind of a con. Long story short, some civilisation invented money and the idea caught on. Fast forward about 2,600 years, and shit’s fucked up: people exchange other people for money- heck, they even exchange money for money! Just imagine: you acquire a note worth 5 pounds sterling (that’s our currency)- a £5 note, if it pleases you- and then you sell the note for £6. Madness has pervaded our world; people buy money, it’s possible to purchase an avocado in Hull… Such madness brings about confusion, unsurprisingly, and people feel agitated.

Quite simply, there are just too many things to spend your money on. It is often better to reach into your pockets and find nothing, thus depriving yourself of a packet of Maltesers (which aren’t even from Malta), than to reach in and find a tenner which you would probably exchange for a sharing bag of Doritos, a tub of sour cream and a large bar of mint Aero, leaving you feeling fat, and ashamed.

Now, if we follow the natural arc of this piece of continuous prose, the next question must be, ‘If money makes you fat, ashamed and unhappy, then how do I acquire less of it, thus relinquishing the burden of responsibility thrust upon me regarding the monitoring of my expenditure?’. Very good question, reader. In order to not get money, one must not have a job. If you’re struggling to cope with the extreme freedom that comes with being unsuccessful, you can have a job which pays the bare-minimum required to survive in wherever it is you live and eat tinned mushy peas each day, cold. Best case scenario, a kindly family member or friend will take you into their home so you may keep warm, preferably for free. If nobody cares about you, or they get on your nerves, one must simply find somewhere to squat, which is also free. Sheds, abandoned buildings and treehouses are fantastic to squat in, if you’re short on ideas.

This week’s instalment is at risk of becoming even a slight success on my part, and I must draw it to a close. If you truly are one of the world’s great unsuccesses, then you won’t be reading the next chapters because you don’t need to and you wouldn’t want to anyway because it would require too much effort. Otherwise, same time ish (but probably not) next week, and have fun experimenting with poverty!

Peace out!