How to be Unsuccessful pt.3

…Getting the least out of your time

This week we will focus on time-wasting. In order to achieve the state of pure zen that is ‘unsuccess’, you must sit idly by as the minutes, hours and days fade away into obscurity. If you yearn to be forgotten long after death, to be left alone in peace, perfect peace, during life – to never be called upon for one use or another- then you must become proficient at time wasting! In order to not sound too conspicuous, we shall refer to it hitherto as ‘time-allowing’ (much more palatable). Yes, I definitely prefer that term.

‘Time is not a currency to be spent, it’s just… stuff, happening, or not happening, or almost happening’- me

We are grains of sand in an hourglass. You might be clinging on for dear life in the top chamber, unwilling to relinquish your grip on the past, but inevitably you hurtle through the chasm into the bottom chamber; you arrive there, so quickly, with nowhere else to go. You, this grain of sand, will live out your days initially on top of the pile (Yay!). But it doesn’t take long before you  are crushed, gasping for air beneath all the other grains. When (at last!) the hourglass is flipped, another rush and a push and… I think you catch my drift. The monotony of trying hard! Why not join the ranks of the unsuccessful? Fuck the hourglass, be a grain of sand on the beach. Allow yourself to be washed hither and thither by the tide; put the ‘be’ into beach, bro. Stay chill as you get trod on and carried away in the nook of some fat Brit’s veruca-infested big toe, because shit happens man!

If you are a ‘successful’ person, please, don’t get downhearted! One thing you can rely on from me, the author, is honesty. I apologise if you’ve spent years convincing yourself that you are happy in your success. I have often dreamt of a time where I am conventionally successful, upholding social norms and societal rules like great bastions of capitalism whilst men and women alike throw themselves before me in adoration, a shining beacon of the establishment; I am able to sympathise. If I can impress upon you one thing, one piece of advice, it would be this: Any day now you could get stabbed or hit by a van, and once you’re dead it’s all over for you, I’m afraid. You would have no idea what you had or hadn’t achieved. Yes, people may remember you fondly and fondle your memory, but you won’t know because you’re dead (which means unconscious, forever).

Let us take a moment to remember those poor bastards who worked their talented arses off only to achieve posthumous fame WHICH FYI THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW ABOUT BECAUSE THEY’RE DEAD (R.I.P)! The genius of Stieg Larsson, the desolate beauty of Emily Dickinson, Kafka, Van Gogh, Vermeer… Brilliant individuals who probably considered themselves pretty un-successful…

What was this post about again? Oh yeah, time allowing

At this point I would like to get us back on track. One drawback of being so mentally unchained is that your mind tends to wander; I have no need to tame it, it just is. But for the purposes of this piece I must! It can be a pain, you know, being so unsuccessful.

The plight of ‘success’ can be blamed on the rapid advancement of humanity. For too long people have concerned themselves with the future, developing new technologies day after day and panicking about what tomorrow will bring. It isn’t about to stop anytime soon, no matter how many times you say, ‘stop the world, I want to get off!’. However, you can combat these unsettling feelings by simply allowing time to pass, unscathed by your presence. I have devised a list which vaguely details some ways and means of time-allowing. And here it is:

• Start off each day with a couple of hours of doing absolutely nothing

• Never set alarms

• Enter free online competitions, NOT the ones on telly that cost a quid

• Read about deranged rich people, and congratulate yourself for not being one

• Go outside and sit down somewhere peaceful for what feels like a long time

• Find out if any of your friends are feeling low, then go and talk to them

• Write a list of names for your hypothetical children

• Visit a nearby animal sanctuary or shelter and pet the nice animals

• Experiment with different flavours of tea

• Forage for edible treats growing near your home

• Go to bed whenever you feel like it, listening to the radio if you so desire

• Invent some good jokes whilst sipping Glen’s vodka

• Have a nice conversation with yourself to find out how you are

Of course, these are just examples- there is an infinite number of things you can do which allow time to pass smoothly and peacefully! Personally, I like to sit and type myself silly, prosing away about mindless- let’s face it- shite, until I get bored; then I’ll play on my Gameboy, or watch Sailor Moon in bed. It’s actually really easy, being unsuccessful.

You can do absolutely nothing if you just set your mind to it! ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥


Blazing Sod

Typing stuff when I’m high

(Sometime last week)

It is unclear why I did this. But I did do it, and I’m sharing it here because it could be entertaining or something to someone. You see, today is Singles Awareness Day* (or S.A.D HAHA LOL so funny -_- ) and fuck knows we need a laugh. I corrected the spelling mistakes, as there were too many; so much so that it wasn’t even amusing, it was just anxiety-inducing and ridiculous. When you’re such a failure that you can’t even muster the energy to update your blog series on being a failure… that is some meta shit. Christ tonight, I feel lacklustre! Anyway, please enjoy your brief foray into my kush-addled mind.

‘We’re all set to die. My middle fingers are numb I’m hoping my dad won’t come because I seem ill. Just tried to ‘hmmm’ in agreement, not going to work is it? I couldn’t communicate right now. Tickly needles are poking my eyes they’ve gone like piss-holes in the snow good Jesus this is strong shit. I look like I’ve been crying for days it just put Edward Scissorhands in my head it made me twitches. Oh no. Marc Riley talking you’ll be able to look it up online. Oops bad move new position shoulder hurts. Miss Oslo. Don’t wanna live there. Wanna be there. Stoned in Iceland no the supermart in Norway my inclination is right. Jeez I don’t even know my left from right jaw twitch there’s people talking to me, something struggles to keep up and in sync with my body.’

Smoke Responsibly.

*You might also be interested in Single’s Day, a Chinese festival celebrating… Well, being alone. Hilariously, it is held on the 11th of November, or ’11/11′, because there’s lots of ones in it and if you are single you are just one person and not two. Something like that anyway- pure bollocks.

How to be unsuccessful

…your weekly guide to being a slacker.

So, I’m unemployed, depressed and stagnating in my own b/o and it got me thinking, ‘what do I want to do? What does ‘successful’ mean?! Why am I such a loser?’. I’m sure you know how it feels. But do you know how it feels to be ‘successful’? What if they’re just as unhappy and unfulfilled? What if they’re more unhappy?! Did you ever think about that? No, because you only think about yourselves. Fortunately for these hopelessly successful types, I’m a great empathiser, and as such have created a guide in order that these non-flounderers can escape their lives of achievement and attainment. Hold on to your arses, because this is about to get enlightening…

What is ‘unsuccess’?

Good question. ‘Unsuccess’ is a feeling of complete freedom: it is being on the weather-vane of life when everybody else is stuck in the basement, trying to get out into the cold, stony air of the church.

You see, to be successful, people set themselves ‘goals’, some long-term and some short-term. They aspire to be something. Or they’re lucky, lucky bastards who attract good fortune. Or they clamber over the backs of others without so much as a second glance at the trail of dismembered, flaming lives they’ve left behind. Whatever means a person uses to become ‘successful’, the embargo normally consists of:

  • Completing tasks that feel too much like hard work
  • Doing stuff, a lot
  • Talking to people you don’t want to talk to
  • Conversing with people who, quite frankly, make you want to eat your own hand (or hands, depending on how unbearably nauseating they are)
  • Not sleeping as much as you’d like
  • Wanting to get to a ‘spiritual place’ where you ‘couldn’t give a rat’s bollock’ about what other people think of you whilst simultaneously caring an obscene amount about what people think about you
  • Hating yourself

Needless to say, it is awfully stressful. The pursuit of monetary wealth is most commonly to blame for such pointless escapades, and we will first deal with how not to be wealthy in our quest for unsuccess. Further instalments of this guide will be delivered as follows:

Week 1. Money: who needs it? (This is week one. You’re reading it already)

Week 2. How to do nothing and feel good about it PLUS letting go of responsibility

Week 3. Ways and means of procrastination: how to get the least out of your time

Week 4. Dealing with criticism from family, friends and society

Week 5. I am unable to plan this far ahead

Let us deal with the concept of ‘money’. What is money? ‘The love of money,’ according to the Bible ‘is the root of all kinds of evil’ (1 Timothy 6:10). Money is currency, normally in the form of coins or paper notes or numbers on a screen. Hundreds of years ago, people didn’t need money really. They grew and farmed their own food, and exchanged it for other types of food from people who farmed different food to them. People had sex and babies appeared and they guessed that the babies wanted food and to not be too cold because that’s what they wanted. There weren’t any mirrors, except maybe lakes and ponds, so they weren’t arsed about shaving or putting make-up on or whether their trainers were laughably tragic… they just got on with it, in much the way that I try to.

Then, the Lydians, of Lydia, which was situated in Ancient Turkey on the Aegean Sea, decided to mint coins. What happened, right, was people kept bartering and exchanging stuff, for example a slab of bread for a fish, that sort of thing. But things kept going off, and there weren’t any use-by dates back then, so it was kind of a con. Long story short, some civilisation invented money and the idea caught on. Fast forward about 2,600 years, and shit’s fucked up: people exchange other people for money- heck, they even exchange money for money! Just imagine: you acquire a note worth 5 pounds sterling (that’s our currency)- a £5 note, if it pleases you- and then you sell the note for £6. Madness has pervaded our world; people buy money, it’s possible to purchase an avocado in Hull… Such madness brings about confusion, unsurprisingly, and people feel agitated.

Quite simply, there are just too many things to spend your money on. It is often better to reach into your pockets and find nothing, thus depriving yourself of a packet of Maltesers (which aren’t even from Malta), than to reach in and find a tenner which you would probably exchange for a sharing bag of Doritos, a tub of sour cream and a large bar of mint Aero, leaving you feeling fat, and ashamed.

Now, if we follow the natural arc of this piece of continuous prose, the next question must be, ‘If money makes you fat, ashamed and unhappy, then how do I acquire less of it, thus relinquishing the burden of responsibility thrust upon me regarding the monitoring of my expenditure?’. Very good question, reader. In order to not get money, one must not have a job. If you’re struggling to cope with the extreme freedom that comes with being unsuccessful, you can have a job which pays the bare-minimum required to survive in wherever it is you live and eat tinned mushy peas each day, cold. Best case scenario, a kindly family member or friend will take you into their home so you may keep warm, preferably for free. If nobody cares about you, or they get on your nerves, one must simply find somewhere to squat, which is also free. Sheds, abandoned buildings and treehouses are fantastic to squat in, if you’re short on ideas.

This week’s instalment is at risk of becoming even a slight success on my part, and I must draw it to a close. If you truly are one of the world’s great unsuccesses, then you won’t be reading the next chapters because you don’t need to and you wouldn’t want to anyway because it would require too much effort. Otherwise, same time ish (but probably not) next week, and have fun experimenting with poverty!

Peace out!