How to be Unsuccessful pt.2

…doing nothing and feeling good about it.


Here, I write part two of the ‘How to be Unsuccessful’ blog series. Right now. Your eyes are seeing this in the future, when it’s finished.

Last week I wrote- somewhat on a whim- a blog about my great success in unsuccess and, for reasons beyond my comprehension, promised more of this sort of thing. It would be more sensible of me to say ‘down with this sort of thing’ and sack it off completely; I know how deeply and irrevocably apathetic I am. Nevertheless, here it is fuckers, ‘how to do nothing and feel good about it’ xoxoxoxo

The Start of this Article

We have arrived at the beginning of the second instalment of… whatever this is. Notice how I haven’t planned a jot of this piece; can’t you tell? I seriously haven’t written anything in preparation. For the truly unsuccessful, plans are daunting. Plans (even thinking the word is making me feel nauseous) are for people who care about the future. Can you plan the present? No, not unless you planned it already, in the past. The present is as it is. Live by this mantra, and the road to unsuccess shall be smooth and not very long.


Time is the enemy. Now, I don’t mean to make a habit of quoting the bible in these posts, but here I am again, quoting it!

‘Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise,

making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.’


Ephesians 5:16

There you have it, even God thinks shit’s evil. Forget that part about ‘making the most etc etc’; 2000 years ago, making the most of every day meant, like, having a dump somewhere sanitary, or taking rags to the market to exchange for a loaf of bread. Life is more complicated in 2017, and I think the author of this ‘bible’ book would understand that we are now rendered incapable of ‘making the most of every opportunity’, either because a) there are way too many opportunities, or b) there are literally no opportunities. Take the dating app, Tinder, for example: if you made the most of every opportunity on there, you’d shag your way through half the town (not that I would know). But if you made the most of, say, a couple of opportunities, you’d retain some dignity and hopefully be clear on the ‘VD’ front. Opportunities are like flies: they probably congregate around a steaming pile of hot shit.

In a simpler time, you’d be forced to work for a pittance, perhaps marry and reproduce and drink the hours away and claim a plot of land, before working some more, until you were on death’s doorstep. And that was that! Easy! Nowadays, there is just too much choice: work, don’t work, kill yourself, smoke pot, work from home, DSS, steal, get your tits out… It’s all too much! Why settle for less, when you can settle for unsuccess?

Obligatory Heading

Middle-class and struggling to comprehend ‘unsuccess’? The good news is ‘The Guardian’ did an article a couple of years back about how doing nothing is actually good for you… It must be true!

The bad news is… well, there isn’t any bad news! Just don’t read too much into it. Or of it. Actually, don’t read it- I didn’t. Do nothing. Live out your days watching Homes Under the Hammer, Four in a Bed, Judge Rinder and The Chase; you’ll learn a lot, but more importantly, you’ll do nothing. Feel like cooking? Great, cook up some fine grub! Need a nap? Sweet! Take a well-deserved nap. Want to get disgustingly trashed and wake up in a skip? Why not! Your immediate surroundings are your oyster when you just. do. nothing.

Letting go of Responsibility

Responsibilities are basically obligations. As Elvis Presley once said, ‘There are too many people that depend on me. I’m too obligated. I’m in too far to get out.’ That is some deep shit. Such ‘obligations’ led this man to die on the toilet. If The King saying bleak-as-fuck shit like that isn’t enough to put you off having responsibilities forever, then I’ve got my work cut out.

The main thing to remember is to never, ever, have children. Spawning children is a sure-fire way to land yourself in a rather large pile of responsibility. You are obligated by law to take care of them. The best way to ensure that you are unfruitful is to not have sex. However, if we live our lives doing nothing, thriving in unsuccess and obeying the whims of the moment, we might find ourselves faced with a sexual opportunity. My advice in such a situation would be to go ahead with the activity, but put a cap on the old chap if you want to do anything which invites the risk of making a baby.

Careers are also a big no-no. Careers work via intricate bribery, and are inherently evil. You found your dream job- yippee!- where you get paid to do something that you kind of enjoy- alright!- and all you had to do was sign a contract! Ea-sy! In that contract, however, you will not find details of how the company’s management will pressure you to work many unpaid hours because ‘that’s how you get noticed’ and progress. Neither will it alert you that Barry in the HR department is a prolific sex-pest. You’ll never read of how Hilary will noisily sip her seemingly endless cups of coffee at the desk next to yours; the hours will turn into days, the days into years and the years into a life of regret, wincing at every sip and gipping as the coffee-soaked breath full of disdain saunters into your nostrils. You will probably own a house, and consider yourself at least more successful than the pleb next door, who FYI doesn’t even have a conservatory with heated floors… But was it worth it? At all times, you must ask yourself, ‘What would I rather be doing?’. If the answer is anything other than what you are currently doing, drop it and start doing something more enjoyable. I can guarantee almost 100% that you won’t be able to make a career out of the more enjoyable thing, but who cares?

And that, ladies and gentlemen, concludes this week’s ‘How to be Unsuccessful’.

Stay limp, peeps!