How to be Unsuccessful pt.3

…Getting the least out of your time

This week we will focus on time-wasting. In order to achieve the state of pure zen that is ‘unsuccess’, you must sit idly by as the minutes, hours and days fade away into obscurity. If you yearn to be forgotten long after death, to be left alone in peace, perfect peace, during life – to never be called upon for one use or another- then you must become proficient at time wasting! In order to not sound too conspicuous, we shall refer to it hitherto as ‘time-allowing’ (much more palatable). Yes, I definitely prefer that term.

‘Time is not a currency to be spent, it’s just… stuff, happening, or not happening, or almost happening’- me

We are grains of sand in an hourglass. You might be clinging on for dear life in the top chamber, unwilling to relinquish your grip on the past, but inevitably you hurtle through the chasm into the bottom chamber; you arrive there, so quickly, with nowhere else to go. You, this grain of sand, will live out your days initially on top of the pile (Yay!). But it doesn’t take long before you  are crushed, gasping for air beneath all the other grains. When (at last!) the hourglass is flipped, another rush and a push and… I think you catch my drift. The monotony of trying hard! Why not join the ranks of the unsuccessful? Fuck the hourglass, be a grain of sand on the beach. Allow yourself to be washed hither and thither by the tide; put the ‘be’ into beach, bro. Stay chill as you get trod on and carried away in the nook of some fat Brit’s veruca-infested big toe, because shit happens man!

If you are a ‘successful’ person, please, don’t get downhearted! One thing you can rely on from me, the author, is honesty. I apologise if you’ve spent years convincing yourself that you are happy in your success. I have often dreamt of a time where I am conventionally successful, upholding social norms and societal rules like great bastions of capitalism whilst men and women alike throw themselves before me in adoration, a shining beacon of the establishment; I am able to sympathise. If I can impress upon you one thing, one piece of advice, it would be this: Any day now you could get stabbed or hit by a van, and once you’re dead it’s all over for you, I’m afraid. You would have no idea what you had or hadn’t achieved. Yes, people may remember you fondly and fondle your memory, but you won’t know because you’re dead (which means unconscious, forever).

Let us take a moment to remember those poor bastards who worked their talented arses off only to achieve posthumous fame WHICH FYI THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW ABOUT BECAUSE THEY’RE DEAD (R.I.P)! The genius of Stieg Larsson, the desolate beauty of Emily Dickinson, Kafka, Van Gogh, Vermeer… Brilliant individuals who probably considered themselves pretty un-successful…


What was this post about again? Oh yeah, time allowing

At this point I would like to get us back on track. One drawback of being so mentally unchained is that your mind tends to wander; I have no need to tame it, it just is. But for the purposes of this piece I must! It can be a pain, you know, being so unsuccessful.

The plight of ‘success’ can be blamed on the rapid advancement of humanity. For too long people have concerned themselves with the future, developing new technologies day after day and panicking about what tomorrow will bring. It isn’t about to stop anytime soon, no matter how many times you say, ‘stop the world, I want to get off!’. However, you can combat these unsettling feelings by simply allowing time to pass, unscathed by your presence. I have devised a list which vaguely details some ways and means of time-allowing. And here it is:

• Start off each day with a couple of hours of doing absolutely nothing

• Never set alarms

• Enter free online competitions, NOT the ones on telly that cost a quid

• Read about deranged rich people, and congratulate yourself for not being one

• Go outside and sit down somewhere peaceful for what feels like a long time

• Find out if any of your friends are feeling low, then go and talk to them

• Write a list of names for your hypothetical children

• Visit a nearby animal sanctuary or shelter and pet the nice animals

• Experiment with different flavours of tea

• Forage for edible treats growing near your home

• Go to bed whenever you feel like it, listening to the radio if you so desire

• Invent some good jokes whilst sipping Glen’s vodka

• Have a nice conversation with yourself to find out how you are

Of course, these are just examples- there is an infinite number of things you can do which allow time to pass smoothly and peacefully! Personally, I like to sit and type myself silly, prosing away about mindless- let’s face it- shite, until I get bored; then I’ll play on my Gameboy, or watch Sailor Moon in bed. It’s actually really easy, being unsuccessful.

You can do absolutely nothing if you just set your mind to it! ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

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