Retail Therapy

I feel as though I need a break from talking about my ankle (to everybody, not just WordPress) but I still have some form of 21st century narcissistic personality disorder so the topic of this post right here will be my job in retail- bod at *popular discount supermarket*- and some of the things that make me feel truly thankful that I am unable to work for a good long while.

Ditching‘ unwanted items- I will find you. And I will kill you.

As above, but with frozen/chilled goods. Because a stinking cod is just what I want in my area at the fucking till.

‘Can you tell me where the *insert item* is?’ That’s funny, I thought there were only 5 FUCKING AISLES in this store.

‘Have you got this in stock?’ ‘No sold out.’ ‘Can you check in the back then?’ 😐

At the till- ‘Oh shit I’ve forgotten my card’ WTF, moron.

Customer watches you tidy shelves; then proceeds to tear apart shelves for later dates. WHEN ARE YOU PLANNING TO EAT THAT, BASTARD??

‘These used to be 40p’ care/10?

‘You’re always changing this store around’ Yes. It’s all me.

Runs into store through exit doors after closing- ‘…But my son just wants some cake’ And I just want to give a fuck but you can’t have everything.

‘It’s always a mess in this store’ You’re a mess.

When the customer can see you’re doing something, but will come to a standstill and impede you anyway.


‘Oh no I’ve forgotten the milk’ Well why didn’t you wait until I had already scanned your items OH WAIT U DID.

‘Are you paying cash or card?’ ‘Just let me pack first’ I didn’t let anyone else pack I’m not about to let you fucking waste my time.

‘This was in the reduced section’ Yes, because nobody would ever dump something in the reduced section that wasn’t reduced.

‘I know this item is £7.99 and I will have to call the manager if you want it taking off your bill ‘ Customer- ‘Can you check anyway’ OLOOKIT’SSEVENFUCKINGNINETYNINE ‘I don’t want it then’

‘I spilled something on the other side of store’ kthxbye.

‘YOU’RE NOT OPEN CHRISTMAS EVE??’ How will you ever cope with this mere mountain of shite you have just purchased.

‘It’s nice to see a happy face!’ Do not fuck with me 🙂

After asking when you finish, ‘Oh that’s not too bad then’. It is always bad.

‘Excuse me I have some items to return and therefore have the god-given right to force myself upon you despite an ever-growing queue of customers.’ Die.

‘I need to return this item’ ‘You’ll have to go to a till then’ ‘But there’s a queue’ Oh, woe.

‘I want to speak to a manager’ Believe me, they don’t care either.

‘I need to buy 50 bottles of prossecco and I need you to combat this need logistically’ Go find boxes.


Don’t let anybody tell you that the few decent people you deal with make it all worthwhile. They don’t. Maybe they vaguely replenish your ever-dwindling faith in humanity. I dunno.

If you need retail therapy, this helps:


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