Gettin’ Down on Friday

It’s Friday night. I’m on the couch getting down, and not in a sexy or dancey way. Just emotionally.

I got down with salt and chilli tofu; disappointing. I am loyal to a chinese take-away which has an M20 postcode.

AND MINE’S M22 AND APPARENTLY THAT ISN’T CLOSE ENOUGH but im’a stay loyal tho.


Anyway… being stuck to this couch like a sloth to a Cecropia is getting tiresome, and somewhat torturous as the view outside my window is the precise patch of road where I got done over by some madman fuck-loon in a car. The effort required to relocate my backside, followed by imminent boredom and resulting in a great need for distractions puts me off transporting myself and my tools. So I don’t. I’ve never been a great planner, and being plunged into a time in my life where the mere act of making a cup of tea results in an abrupt realisation that ‘you gotta drink that fucking tea in the fucking windowless kitchen you made it in motherfucker’ YES I’ll admit that I am struggling to adapt to this ‘planning ahead’ business when it affects every part of my miserable bastard day!

(Just to clarify, I know that it could be worse but just let me whine and have done with it!)


I will share with you, whoever you are, the things that are making me feel less than hopeful at this time, and you will read if you want to or grow so tedious with my self-pity that you seek out some other web page that feeds your need for recreation and who can blame you, certainly not I. Especially not after that ridiculously long and syntactically alarming sentence.

So Number one concern: It has been nearly a month since *the incident* took place, and the only time I have been contacted by the police was three days after and not a peep since. This is worrying as CCTV footage is deleted after 2 weeks typically, so fuck knows if they got their grubby mits on it! my eyes are opened, metaphorically, people! There is no such thing as justice: ‘Justice’ happens when people decide to work efficiently in their professions. Justice means something different to different people. It does not adhere to an ideal.

Number two: This is a bit embarrassing for a hardened northerner to admit- but- well, I thought more people would care MORE about me. Like, I have loads of friends and acquaintances and family that do care and it’s lovely but I suppose you doubt your importance to others when the fruit baskets and ‘get well soon’ cards don’t come flooding in. Yes I know, QQmoar.

Number three: Being anxiety ridden since I were but a young lass, WHAT IF I GET A BLOOD CLOT??? How do I know? How do YOU know?? I wish doctors and nurses would lay off the ‘possible side-effects’ shit because it don’t do us no good.

Finally, in at Number Four: Where is my aptitude for making the best of a bad situation, where is my capacity for genius?? I expected to be half-way through a novel by now, or to have had an epiphanous wave descend on me and- BOOM! I know what I will do with my life and it shall be good. But this hasn’t happened. Up to now I have with my precious free time read through the Chronicles of Narnia, watched Rupaul’s Drag race, Gogglebox and various curiosities on iplayer and played the Sims 2. Alas, earwax.


And so, though I have forgotten what intentions I had when I set out on this venture to craft yet another self-centred post that is bloggy (Yes I am painfully paranoid about how you perceive me, but not enough that it deters me), it is done and I see that it is… mediocre. However I feel slightly less lonely and pent-up than I did prior to this *mess* leaking out from my fingertips. So I suppose you have served your purpose (a big thanks to me, too) and that this is farewell, and let us never speak of this mess again. Adieu.

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Retail Therapy

I feel as though I need a break from talking about my ankle (to everybody, not just WordPress) but I still have some form of 21st century narcissistic personality disorder so the topic of this post right here will be my job in retail- bod at *popular discount supermarket*- and some of the things that make me feel truly thankful that I am unable to work for a good long while.

Ditching‘ unwanted items- I will find you. And I will kill you.

As above, but with frozen/chilled goods. Because a stinking cod is just what I want in my area at the fucking till.

‘Can you tell me where the *insert item* is?’ That’s funny, I thought there were only 5 FUCKING AISLES in this store.

‘Have you got this in stock?’ ‘No sold out.’ ‘Can you check in the back then?’ 😐

At the till- ‘Oh shit I’ve forgotten my card’ WTF, moron.

Customer watches you tidy shelves; then proceeds to tear apart shelves for later dates. WHEN ARE YOU PLANNING TO EAT THAT, BASTARD??

‘These used to be 40p’ care/10?

‘You’re always changing this store around’ Yes. It’s all me.

Runs into store through exit doors after closing- ‘…But my son just wants some cake’ And I just want to give a fuck but you can’t have everything.

‘It’s always a mess in this store’ You’re a mess.

When the customer can see you’re doing something, but will come to a standstill and impede you anyway.

Christmas.

‘Oh no I’ve forgotten the milk’ Well why didn’t you wait until I had already scanned your items OH WAIT U DID.

‘Are you paying cash or card?’ ‘Just let me pack first’ I didn’t let anyone else pack I’m not about to let you fucking waste my time.

‘This was in the reduced section’ Yes, because nobody would ever dump something in the reduced section that wasn’t reduced.

‘I know this item is £7.99 and I will have to call the manager if you want it taking off your bill ‘ Customer- ‘Can you check anyway’ OLOOKIT’SSEVENFUCKINGNINETYNINE ‘I don’t want it then’

‘I spilled something on the other side of store’ kthxbye.

‘YOU’RE NOT OPEN CHRISTMAS EVE??’ How will you ever cope with this mere mountain of shite you have just purchased.

‘It’s nice to see a happy face!’ Do not fuck with me 🙂

After asking when you finish, ‘Oh that’s not too bad then’. It is always bad.

‘Excuse me I have some items to return and therefore have the god-given right to force myself upon you despite an ever-growing queue of customers.’ Die.

‘I need to return this item’ ‘You’ll have to go to a till then’ ‘But there’s a queue’ Oh, woe.

‘I want to speak to a manager’ Believe me, they don’t care either.

‘I need to buy 50 bottles of prossecco and I need you to combat this need logistically’ Go find boxes.

Customers.

Don’t let anybody tell you that the few decent people you deal with make it all worthwhile. They don’t. Maybe they vaguely replenish your ever-dwindling faith in humanity. I dunno.

If you need retail therapy, this helps: http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/the-most-soul-crushing-things-about-working-retail#.rj05dqkB9